Bit o' Wisdom

These are a collection of old tweets, facebook statuses, or thoughts that just happened to pass through my head:

• "Milk Shake" and "Milk Snake" look the same from a distance. BE CAREFUL.

• For those interested, I'll be appearing live at the Marsh Grocery Store on Wheeling tonight. I'll be performing such hits as "Paper or Plastic?", "Would You Like Cash Back?", and *Beep*.

• What time is it? Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus time!

• Just watched the new TRON LEGACY. The CG Jeff Bridges looked more life-like than the real thing.

• I've come to realize that "tu-tu" is not only a daring fashion choice, it's also a very short poem.

• As thankful as the Russian community maybe, I believe "burst" is a more prevalent word then "borscht". Thank you cellphone auto-correct!

• Just when I thought nobody cared about me anymore, I got an email from a Nigerian Prince. Can you believe it? A real prince! Things are looking up.

• Next time you find some money on the ground or in the pocket of your jacket, top of your gas tank and visit all those places you saw signs for and thought "I should go there someday."

• I feel like Yahtzee would be a lot harder if you threw a D20 into the works. (Yup. A nerd joke.)

• Alright folks, listen up! "Alot" is not a word, there is a difference between "your" and "you're", and when in doubt, don't use a semicolon because you're probably using it incorrectly.

• Happy Birthday Uncle Walt! Sorry I didn't get you anything, I couldn't find anything antisemitic enough.

• Right justify is underrated.

• Walking through a modern art museum is like being on Chatroullete, you can pretty much go in expecting to see a penis.

• It annoys me when people like their own posts on facebook. It's like they're saying, "You know what, I don't care that I just wrote this, I'm awesome!"

• "IHOP: Come hungry, Leave whishing you hadn't eaten at IHOP."

• I have been known to whip my hair back and forth on occasion.

• If I see that someone is really good at drawing horses, I automatically label them as the type of person who is really good at drawing horses. Anyone who understands what I'm talking about knows how very specific and descriptive a label that is. Trust me, you don't want to be good at drawing horses.

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• It's a little sad that I've begun regulary checking IMDB.com for the sole purpose of finding out which celebrity died that day.

• There are two ways to look at comedy; whether or not the joke is funny, or whether of not it is performed/constructed correctly. A joke does not necessarily require both, but I believe that great comedy is a combination of the two.

• I would feel awful if I hit a squirrel in my car, but I'm conflicted as to how I'd I feel if I hit one on my bike... a little accomplished?

• Experienced one of those classic TV/Film moments where a car drives by in the rain and water comically splashes in my face. It wasn't funny.

• Just went to the library and checked out a book on historical lanterns. Wanted to do some light reading.

• Anyone play that game where you see how long you keep your eyes closed while you’re driving? . . . yeah, me neither . . .