If you can read this . . .

I spent my freshman year of college at the prestigious Ivy Tech, a community college based out of Indianapolis, Indiana. It's a magical establishment where dreams go to die. During orientation, the 50 or so people in the in-coming freshman class were all herded into a large room by a defeated looking woman in a green Ivy Tech polo. Let me give you a brief break down of the demographics. The students all varied in age from fresh out of high school to those who had obviously been run through the mill, and one man who may have actually died during the orientation. I'm fairly certain I was the only one there without tattoos; all the women had tramp-stamps and the men had various women's names on their exposed biceps. At least half of the women were pregnant, and I counted at least 9 exposed weapons . . . I can only imagine how many were concealed.


They were a motley crew, but they were my classmates. I spent the next year interacting with some of the most interesting personalities I could never imagine. They were caricatures of themselves. One instance stands out brightly in my memory. I was in my American History class which covered Jamestown to the Industrial Revolution. It was taught by Mr. Lawson, an ex-drill instructor who treated his students thusly. One day, as he was lecturing on the presidency of Thomas Jefferson, he said, "... and many people believe the president had several illegitimate children with his slave, Sally Hemings." I didn't think much of the statement, having read about it before, but one student, an African-American girl sitting in the second row, seemed unhappy with what had just been said. Her hand shot up, but she didn't wait to be called on. "Hold up," she interrupted, "Professor, are you saying just because they black, they can't read?"


This was just one story in a collection of philistine tales, each varying in absurdity, and, though I am thankful to who have moved on from that institute, it's those moments that I look back on. People work their whole lives for the "better", a better car, a better house, a better job, but they remember the "worse". It's those episodes that give life character. That awful paisley wallpaper if your first apartment. The way you had to pour hot water on your car door to get it open in the winter. That summer you worked as a dancing slice of pizza at the state fair. Those are the things you remember, the things you tell stories about. People need to stop trying to legitimize their lives with perfection. It's the imperfections that make life truly literate.




p.s. I tried to make this one a podcast. If it ends up working, I'll continue doing so every now and again. If it doesn't work, I'll go back and delete this post script and you'll be none the wiser.


To listen to or to download the audio, go here:
http://www.box.net/shared/337uph1tki

Bit o' Wisdom

These are a collection of old tweets, facebook statuses, or thoughts that just happened to pass through my head:

• "Milk Shake" and "Milk Snake" look the same from a distance. BE CAREFUL.

• For those interested, I'll be appearing live at the Marsh Grocery Store on Wheeling tonight. I'll be performing such hits as "Paper or Plastic?", "Would You Like Cash Back?", and *Beep*.

• What time is it? Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus time!

• Just watched the new TRON LEGACY. The CG Jeff Bridges looked more life-like than the real thing.

• I've come to realize that "tu-tu" is not only a daring fashion choice, it's also a very short poem.

• As thankful as the Russian community maybe, I believe "burst" is a more prevalent word then "borscht". Thank you cellphone auto-correct!

• Just when I thought nobody cared about me anymore, I got an email from a Nigerian Prince. Can you believe it? A real prince! Things are looking up.

• Next time you find some money on the ground or in the pocket of your jacket, top of your gas tank and visit all those places you saw signs for and thought "I should go there someday."

• I feel like Yahtzee would be a lot harder if you threw a D20 into the works. (Yup. A nerd joke.)

• Alright folks, listen up! "Alot" is not a word, there is a difference between "your" and "you're", and when in doubt, don't use a semicolon because you're probably using it incorrectly.

• Happy Birthday Uncle Walt! Sorry I didn't get you anything, I couldn't find anything antisemitic enough.

• Right justify is underrated.

• Walking through a modern art museum is like being on Chatroullete, you can pretty much go in expecting to see a penis.

• It annoys me when people like their own posts on facebook. It's like they're saying, "You know what, I don't care that I just wrote this, I'm awesome!"

• "IHOP: Come hungry, Leave whishing you hadn't eaten at IHOP."

• I have been known to whip my hair back and forth on occasion.

• If I see that someone is really good at drawing horses, I automatically label them as the type of person who is really good at drawing horses. Anyone who understands what I'm talking about knows how very specific and descriptive a label that is. Trust me, you don't want to be good at drawing horses.

• 1 d0|\|7 r34LL'/ U|\|D3R574|\|D \/\/|-|'/ p30PL3 U53 L337. 175 50 |-|4RD 70 r34D!

• It's a little sad that I've begun regulary checking IMDB.com for the sole purpose of finding out which celebrity died that day.

• There are two ways to look at comedy; whether or not the joke is funny, or whether of not it is performed/constructed correctly. A joke does not necessarily require both, but I believe that great comedy is a combination of the two.

• I would feel awful if I hit a squirrel in my car, but I'm conflicted as to how I'd I feel if I hit one on my bike... a little accomplished?

• Experienced one of those classic TV/Film moments where a car drives by in the rain and water comically splashes in my face. It wasn't funny.

• Just went to the library and checked out a book on historical lanterns. Wanted to do some light reading.

• Anyone play that game where you see how long you keep your eyes closed while you’re driving? . . . yeah, me neither . . .

I prefer their earlier work . . .

Yeah, I mean, whatever. I was into him way before he was big.